1. Late Tuesday night, Florida State quarterback and reigning Heisman Trophy winner Jameis Winston was issued a citation for shoplifting crab legs from a grocery store. This incident is not the first time, nor will it be the last, that an FSU student made a questionable decision and ended up with crabs.
2. In a bid to attract a younger audience, the Colorado Symphony Orchestra is staging a summer classic-music series in Denver where the audience will be encouraged to smoke marijuana while listening to the performance. Organizers expect it to be a lot like Coachella, only awful.
3. Later this year, a Pizza Hut ad will air on the streaming online video service Hulu that will allow viewers to order a pizza within the ad. And, if they can somehow figure out a way to incorporate pornography into that equation, Americans will never have to use any other website, ever.
4. On the heels of George Clooney’s engagement, British papers are reporting that Prince Harry has broken up with his girlfriend of two years, Cressida Bonas. “And I’m back in the game,” said delusional women everywhere.
5. Media mogul Oprah Winfrey has emerged as a potential interested buyer of the Los Angeles Clippers if current owner Donald Sterling is forced to sell. Seems like a good fit considering no one even wants to take an Instagram photo with Stedman.
6. On Wednesday, Senators Barbara Boxer and Mark Warner questioned the TSA’s ability to keep travelers safe and prevent terrorist attacks. As a result, the senators should get used to hearing the phrase “Mrs. Boxer/ Mr. Warner, you’ve been randomly selected for additional screening.”
7. Yesterday, Turnberry, the iconic golf course that occasionally hosts the British Open, was sold to American businessman Donald Trump. It seems like a perfect match, one is an ever-tiresome endeavor that physically and mentally takes a toll on anyone who challenges it and only gets more entertaining in a heavy wind and the other is Turnberry.
8. A Canadian man named George Popadick was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure. Said the man’s parents, “He’s an embarrassment to the Popadick family name.”
9. North Korea conducted a live-fire drill Tuesday near its disputed western sea border with the South. The drill lasted about 15 minutes with no shells landing in South Korean waters. Said North Korea, “I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you. I’m not touching you…”
10. The European Union named another 15 people Tuesday who will face sanctions over the crisis in Ukraine, including Russian Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Kozak and military chief Ludmila Shvetsova. The E.U. only releases a few names at a time because eventually they run out of consonants.
