1. A teenage robber who was running away with his hands full of loot from a Florida church was caught when his baggy pants started slipping off. Which left the priest, who was in pursuit, with a very difficult decision.
2. Yesterday, federal authorities filed court documents claiming that a Boston-area man, who was planning to kidnap children, lock them in a basement dungeon and eat them, should be locked up for a minimum of 27 years. Or, at the very least, be forced to move to Cleveland.
3. On Thursday, Kensington Palace said that after more than seven years of military service, Prince William is leaving the armed forced to focus on royal duties and charity work. Good to see Prince William taking some time off from taking some time off.
4. On Thursday, Kensington Palace said that after more than seven years of military service, Prince William is leaving the armed forced to focus on royal duties and charity work. Meanwhile, Prince Harry is focusing his royal duties on working with a chick named Charity.
5. Alaska’s Lieutenant Governor Mead Treadwell announced on Wednesday that new mapping technology has measured Mount McKinley at 20,237 feet, 83 feet shorter than previously thought. But, Alaska’s pretty cold and, as any guy will tell you, that sort of thing can happen.
6. Yesterday, NBC announced that Carson Daly will be joining the Today Show. No word on how big a hissy-fit Ryan Seacrest threw when he heard the news.
7. Best-selling author J.K. Rowling has agreed to write a screenplay for Warner Brothers that will take place in the wizarding-world of Harry Potter. The working title of the project is “Harry Potter and the Beating of a Dead Horse.”
8. Scientists have found massive underground water supplies in the arid northern regions of Kenya. The discovery will save hundreds of Kenyans from making the long daily trek from their village to the closest well and bring us Americans a little closer to finally winning a marathon.
9. According to a large study, children who live near nuclear power plants have no greater risk of developing leukemia or the non-Hodgkins lymphoma form of cancer. This study was published in the “New England Journal of How Did We Get People to Agree to Be Part of this Experiment?”
10. Shiping Bao, the medical examiner who changed his mind on crucial aspects during his testimony at the George Zimmerman trial, has been fired. Said Zimmerman, “He should have been more decisive, it’s never led me astray.”
11. Yesterday, during CBS’s “the Talk,” co-host Julie Chen admitted to getting plastic surgery to look “less Asian” earlier in her career. But, of course all the hard work done by the surgeon goes out the window whenever Chen has to drive anywhere.
12. Pope Francis plans to drive a used 1984 Renault car with 186,000 miles on it around Vatican City. Reportedly the Pope did not care about the age of the car so long as it came with Sirius radio so he could listen to Howard Stern.
